Top 10 things I tell my dog

Since getting a dog I have noticed I talk to him a lot. We don’t actually have conversations. He doesn’t talk back, of course,  but I talk to him anyway. I guess I talk to him because dogs, unlike cats and teenagers, actually listen. They always seem very interested in what you have to say. They don’t understand any of it, but they listen anyway. I do wonder what they would say if they could talk though. Well, I am pretty sure I know what Blue would say. He would say he loves me and that he fully supports my blog, as long as it doesn’t interfere with our “us” time.

Here are just ten of the most common things I tell Blue just about every day.

#1.  “Son of a biscuit Blue ! You just went outside 5 minutes ago!

This is Blue pissed off because I am ignoring him.

That is probably an exaggeration (and I most times substitute another word for “biscuit”). Though he does indicate that he wants to go out maybe 5 or 6 times a day. I know sometimes it’s because he hears something or smells something outside so I get it. Still though, I’m 378 in dog years (on the sexy side of 378)  and even I don’t have to go that many times in one day. Sometimes I don’t go at all. I should probably see a doctor about that.

#2.  “Don’t look at me! Don’t look at me Little Puppet!”

This is a line from the movie American Me. It’s a scene where one of the gang members is forced to kill his own brother. He comes up behind him and strangles him out with a piece of rope. Okay, not funny. But Blue and I play this game where, when I am going to take him outside, I sneak up behind him and then wrap the leash around his neck and pretend to strangle him out. Unlike the look of terror that the real Little Puppet has in the movie, Blue just looks confused and then licks my face. I then just clip on the leash and we go outside. That’s just the way we roll.

#3. “Dammit Blue I just made this cup of coffee!”

It almost never fails. I put coffee pod in the Keurig, get my coffee ready, and Blue comes out of where ever he is hiding and wants to play. I honestly think that he thinks the sound of the machine making coffee is a sign that I want to play. It is not. Nothing gets between me and my coffee. Kidding, Blue does.

#4. “You keep using that word. I don’t think that word means what you think it means.”

That is of course, a line from the movie Princess Bride. I feel dumb even having to write that because surely you have seen it. If not, I weep for you. Go see it. You’re just making a  fool of yourself.

I tell that to Blue because all of his barks sound the same to me. He will bark at another dog, the door, a car, a dog food commercial, my books, my shoe laces, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Donald Trump in exactly the same way. Either he only knows one word and is refusing to learn others, or he thinks that one word means many different things. I won’t stand for that in my house. If my daughter Lauren can learn 3 new words a year so can Blue.

#5. “What happened Blue? Did Timmy fall in the well again?”

That is a quote from the old TV show Lassie, which I hear might be getting remade soon. I don’t remember very much about it. But apparently Timmy wasn’t very bright and kept getting in trouble, and Lassie would rush back to the house and bark at somebody to come help and they, being brilliant dog whispers, always knew exactly what he was saying. I think Timmy just wanted attention. Regardless, every time Blue comes up to me all excited I tell him that. He doesn’t get it. Dumb dog.

#6. There she was just a-walkin’ down the street, singin’ “Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do”
Snappin’ her fingers and shufflin’ her feet, singin’ “Do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do”
She looked good (looked good), she looked fine (looked fine)
She looked good, she looked fine and I nearly lost my mind 

 

This is Blue looking all handsome.

Yep. I sing. Don’t judge me. Blue, unbeknown to most, is a chick magnet. Quite a handsome fellow indeed. So when I take him out for a walk we are bound to run into some girl who just goes ga-ga over him. Even some guys, yeah, okay, but my point is girls love him. Now, everyone knows women are trouble, and, as rule I stay away from them. Well, it’s more of a guideline than a rule (wink wink). But the fact is that my contact with women has gone up exponentially since I got Blue. So, after we take our walk, get few phone numbers, and then get home, I sing this song to Blue. He likes it. He even sings along. Kinda does this howling thing like he did once at the vet during something that was called an “anal extraction”, or something like that. Wait, maybe he was howling in pain? Hmmm…nah…he loves my singing.

 

#7. “Come at me Bro!”

Yeah, we fight a lot. I win each and every time.

#8 “Damn Blue, stop sitting like that.” 

I adopted Blue from a dog shelter. As a rule they spay or neuter every dog they  put up for adoption. I get it. There are too many unwanted animals out there so they are not going to add to the population by handing out dogs that can go out and breed. I really do get it. But damn, they took his testicles. That’s just wrong.

As a result he sits and walks funny. Not funny ha-ha, but funny strange. Every time I take him out he does this little trot like a race horse that has just finished a race. Kind of a slightly side ways trot. Like a boat with a broken rudder. Like a canoe with just one oar. Like plane in a thunderstorm. Like a … you get it.

His running is great though. He looks like a supped up greyhound when he gets off leash. His sitting though, that’s just weird. I don’t want to even teach him to sit on command because I am sure the other dogs will laugh at him. He sits like a girl. And I don’t mean a girl dog, I mean a human girl. He crosses his lower legs when he sits sometimes. It’s just sad to look at. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Poor Blue.

#9. “I’m gonna enjoy guttin you boy.”

That’s a line from the movie The Rock. I tell him that every time we fight. It does not faze him one bit. Good dog.

#10.  “Why you crying? Stop crying! You want something to cry about? I will give you something to cry about!”

 

This Blue all happy because I told him he is going to the park. He is actually going to vet to get his butt poked.

Blue is a big cry baby. He sees another person? He cries. He sees a dog? He cries. He sees bird? He cries. He smells BBQ? He cries. He is just a big fat cry baby.  One time we were walking along and the wind picked up and blew a small empty French fries container (from McDonald’s) at him. It hit him in the back of his leg and he cried as if he had been run over by every single wheel of an 18-wheeler truck. He made such a scene that people started coming out of there homes. I thought they were gonna call the cops on me. He limped home and licked his back leg for an hour. What a weeny.

 

That’s just a few of the things I tell Blue on a daily basis. There are some rather infrequent things I also tell him. Stuff like “You know they eat dogs in China? Yep, they do that Blue. Damn, you are so lucky to be an American.” or “So Blue, how they hanging“. Yeah, I know, that’s just mean. But I do say positive stuff like “You’re my boy blue!” or “Damn Blue, you’re looking good. Do you do Pilates?” once in a while just to keep his self esteem up.

I think Blue and I have a pretty good relationship. If he could talk, I am rather sure Blue would tell you the same thing. But he can’t talk. Lucky me.

YOU’RE MY BOY BLUE!