She cried when she saw me. I don’t blame her. I looked nothing like I looked the last time she saw me, and it was a shock. I get it. Lately I shock myself when I catch myself in front of the mirror. That guy in the mirror looks bad. Certainly he looks worse than he feels. But the cry was loud and deep and I felt it in my bones that day. When I think about it I can still feel it down deep inside my bones. Kind of like a wake up call to the soul. I felt jolted awake while never realizing I had been asleep.
I had heard her cry like this only one other time, and that was by my mothers bedside, minutes after mom had died. That memory shocked me. Do I look that bad? Yeah, I guess I do. Cancer and chemo can do that to you. But hey, it’s not as bad as it looks. Chemo and I just don’t get along, that’s all.
We held on to each other for a little while and it was okay. There was no more crying. We visited for some time and talked and things were better afterwards. Before she left she took out a small plastic bag with some plants and a raw egg and performed her ritual cleansing on me, just like she had done for the last fifty years or so. But it had been a while and I missed it. She rubbed the bag on me and spoke words under her breath like she had done so many times before. And just like before, it made me feel better. She always made me feel better. Her presence in my life and that of her entire family has been a pure source of love in my life and I am better for it.
Hate creates hate
When I got diagnosed with cancer back in May I promised myself I would stop posting anything about Trump. It was a constant back and forth between me and Trump fanatics that led nowhere almost every day. It occurred to me that stage 4 colon cancer that had spread to half my body was reason enough to take it easy on the soul and not wake up every morning worrying about that moron. There were enough people doing it (and doing a good job of it) and they certainly didn’t need me in the group.
I wish I had done it so much sooner.
Not waking up with hate in your soul is the best medicine. Not hating people or things for the sake of hating them adds love and years to your life. There is only so much you can feel (hate) about a thing beyond your control before it starts to disintegrate the inner lining of what you believe. I began to realize that I don’t have to understand everything I feel strongly about. I don’t have to know why all things are the way they are in order to deal with them properly. I can choose to be okay about things I don’t like, understand, or disagree with and I will live happily.
Don’t let your hate or lack of understanding about something control your feelings. Hating stops time in its tracks. You go nowhere and one day you wake up and nothing has changed except that you are losing your hair and part of your mind. Don’t let that be you.
When you’re sick you get cake!
There are few things in life better than a cup of coffee served with a slice of lemon pound cake slathered with cream cheese frosting! True story. You should try it. I got a lemon pound bundt cake for my birthday and have been having a slice of it every morning since then (6 days now). I am not sure I can stop eating the thing. Nobody else here likes lemon cake so I kind of feel obliged to finish the whole thing by myself. It’s a moral imperative.
My whole life the past 8 months or so (since diagnosis) has been one of food cravings. I crave all kinds of things which my family makes the gallant effort to go find for me. I almost always lose all craving for it the moment it is put in front of me. I don’t eat much while on chemotherapy. But some things have stood the test of time:
Ramen beef soup. For some reason I can eat one of these every day no matter what. Sometimes it’s the only thing I eat all day.
Pop tart. – Love me a good strawberry or cinnamon pop tart. Don’t even have to warm it up.
For a while I craved a bowl of Chile Cheese Fritos in pickle juice. I got over it. Don’t judge me.
Chocolate Fudge- Love pure chocolate fudge. Posted on Facebook that I craved it and my best buddy from California sent 3 blocks of it. I love my friend from California.
Sugar Babies, Star Bursts, Werther’s candies, and Blow Charm Lollipops. – To be honest, I have always had a big sweet tooth. But sweets were a big no-no because I had been a diabetic for years prior to my diagnosis. Now I don’t know what happened after my 2 week stay at the hospital, but I walked out of there without my diabetes. I take my sugar readings every day and am rarely above 80. My doctor took me off my diabetes pills months ago. Go figure.
So the truth is when you get sick people send you goodies. It’s just one of those things that happen. My wonderful niece sent me an entire goody tub with all kinds of sugar and salty treats and, get this, – three books! Three books! She somehow mysteriously knew exactly what were the next three books on my Amazon private wish list. I love this girl. Always and forever.
An awesome sister-in-law sent me the all time fave cheese cake (pie) from Luby’s and a copy of Obama’s new book. Is she awesome or what? Don’t think about, she’s awesome. She just is.
And the variety of things that I get move along. I get soups, chilis, bracelets, water color sets, a Huggle-hoodie, a Lazy Boy rocker, and a bunch of other assorted things people send to show their love.
But it’s them, not the things they give that matter. We all know that. It’s their ever present desire to see me smile that makes me smile. It’s the love in their heart that shows through and makes all the difference in the world. It’s the time they spend with me that makes them shine so bright I can feel it long after they go. I can still feel them now.
Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving today and I hope we can finish out this year better than we started.
Much love to all of you.