In the time of Corona, no one can see you smile.
If you smile I smile and if you say hello I say hello. Doesn’t matter if I know you or not. A smile is just a nice greeting to share with people as you pas them by. I realized the other day while at the store, which I used to love to go to but rarely do now, that I miss that. I was passing people buy smiling and it took a second to stop myself to realized they couldn’t see my smile because of my mask and I couldn’t see theirs.
But I smiled anyway. At least for a bit. By the time I was in line to pay I got tired of wondering if people were smiling or not and just stopped looking toward people. I guess the smile is just another victim of this coronavirus time we live in. As if we weren’t disconnected enough now we can’t spread even a little non-verbal cheer with people as we pass them by. That is sad. I hope things go back to normal soon.
Mom and Dad
Mom and dad have been gone for years now. I think about them a lot during this thing. I wonder how they would be handling this thing if they were alive. I am sure dad would have just stayed home smoking his cigarettes and mom would be worried about all of us kids the entire time. She was a nurse in her day and would have some experience with the kinds of things we are seeing now.
I wonder how many times I would sneak out of this shelter in place to go see them and take them what they needed. I wonder what conversations we would have about this world that the rest of us live in now. If they were alive now they would probably be too old to run around and get into any coronavirus trouble, but knowing my mom she would be trying to get out there and help people in need in the old neighborhood anyway.
Over the years that they have been gone I miss them all the time. But I admit there have been times when I see what is happening in this world that I sometimes down deep in my heart realize I am glad they aren’t around to see certain things. I feel better knowing they did not have to witness many of the things that have happened over the years to family and friends and that gives me some comfort. I feel guilty feeling that way but it is what it is and I can’t change it. We just move forward in this world the best way we can.
And then there is this…
I have thought about this a lot. Whether to mention it at all. It’s very personal and I don’t want to make it a big deal. But I realized two things about my writing that I believe are always true: I write about my experiences, good or bad, and I share them honestly for the sole purpose of letting people who have the same thoughts they are not alone. So there it is.
I have my first oncologist visit tomorrow. After a couple of months of intolerable pain and discomfort and several medical tests, I was told I have cancer. There are still some studies to be done, but that was the gist of it. I will know much more tomorrow I think.
I have been around cancer a lot in my life but, as they say, you never know what a thing is until you are in the middle of it. So on I go. I have had a lot of trouble with pain medications the past month and I am finding it hard concentrating on anything I used to do. Especially reading and writing. It’s hard to concentrate with the pain.
But I have to remain confident and find my routine again. Keep things as normal as possible and concentrate on good. I put my Facebook on hiatus for a bit because I am guessing I could do without all the negativity. There is so much of it on there.
I want to concentrate on good things and good people and good stories and stay as productive as I can. I don’t know, maybe I will find this an easy thing to do over time and maybe not. But I have to try and I have not been doing a good job of it at all.
This fight is a personal one. I realized that. But I have a good strong family and group of friends that already know all this and are amazing support. I know I can get through this with their help.
Of you I just ask that you keep reading and I will try to keep writing and lets all see our way out of these things and on to a good place. I thank all my reader friends for reading my ramblings for this long. I hope you stick around for a bit.
P.S. I don’t want this blog to become about a cancer journey or anything like that. I won’t let that happen. There is much more to life than that and I refuse to focus any of my writing on that. But I had just found it a bit disingenuous to not mention it at all on a blog where I write about everything in my life. I’ve already deleted that part many times but it would not stay deleted. But let’s focus on other things.