Does God need a watch?

For all you crazy atheists (though I am quite sure you guys exist) out there let us just assume, for the sake of argument, that there is a God.  Don’t hurt yourselves though. If you can’t imagine that then skip this post. God forbid you have a stroke or something.

I was sitting in my second grade class watching my teacher Mrs. Fields down her 5th swig of formula 44D. This was back in the day when that little brown bottle of cough medicine had more cocaine and alcohol in it than Tony Montana had on his desk in the last scene of Scarface.

Two of my classmates were having a discussion in front of me about a watch one of them had. It looked like an ordinary watch to me. But the kid who had it claimed that the watch had come from God himself. “It used to be God’s watch” he told the little girl he was talking to. I was sure he probably meant Jesus’s watch at that time, though I did not tell him that. Nor did I tell him that I thought if God had had a watch it would not have been a cheap Timex. Even I had a cheap Timex. God could surely have afforded better.

It never occurred to me then though, to even question as to why God had a watch in the first place. And it really should have. God was spoken about a lot in the second grade years of my life. But it never occurred to me when someone came up with God’s watch that I had never heard of God owning one or, better, even needing one. Maybe I was just too busy wondering what was so great in that bottle of Formula 44D that made Mrs. Fields drink it every day. I am not sure though.

I have thought about that question a lot since then. The watch thing not the cough medicine thing. There are a lot of theories about God and time. Over the years I have studied many of them and so far have not been overly impressed by any of them. All I know is that they have all wasted my time (ha).

Someone once told me that what Adam and Eve had really bit into when they bit the apple was time. Time was the forbidden knowledge that would eventually be everyone’s downfall. We didn’t know it before then. We were much better without it. It is the existence of time that plagues us all. Time is the reason we die.

Another theory I read about once was even more simple. God is time. He exists everywhere and all at once. That cannot be said of anything else but time. Every time I hear people try and explain God or time they sound an awful like each other. Maybe that is true.

Many people say time is a concept that exists only in our minds. They say is not a real thing (they say the same thing about God). Lets suppose for a moment that is not true. Let us suppose time is a dimension the way space is. That it is a real thing despite human existence. I think it is important to point out that no other animal on the planet really seems to preoccupied by time like we are. My dog Blue never asks me what time it is. He, as far as I can tell, doesn’t know time. Which is weird to me because he knows other things. He can be happy and sad and suspicious and angry all the other things I can be. But he doesn’t know time. He is not worried about it as far as I can tell. Time only seems to bother us humans. If I gave Blue a watch he would just play with it until he broke it. Which is probably what we will end up doing with the concept of time.

If I could go back to that moment in my second grade class (see what I did there?) I would still not have an answer about that watch. I am pretty sure though it never belonged to God. Though, to be quiet honest, I am still not sure whether God would need one or not. In a pinch I would say no. But someday I’ll figure it out. There’s still time.

I never saw either of those two kids again.





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